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• If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  -- Homer Simpson Homer and Apu...
• Inspector: Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart Corporation.
  Apu: But, sir, I was only following standard procedure....
• Woods: Apu! Apu: Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead.
  How I've missed you! I mean -- I think I'm dying. -- "Homer and Apu...
• Homer: Everything _really_ wrapped up nicely. [checks his watch] Ooh, much quicker than usual.
  Marge: I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it....
• Apu: Sir, it may surprise you to know that _I_ am an immigrant.
  Homer: You? Pfft, get out. -- Well, duh, "Much Apu About Nothing...
• You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
  -- Homer to Apu, "Much Apu About Nothing...
• Apu: Huh? Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
  Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir....
• Apu: He is the benevolent and enlightened president and C.
  E.O. of Kwik-E-Mart -- and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart....
• Homer/Apu/Moe: You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto!
  Apu: Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato! Moe...