Related:

• Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.
  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful....
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to.
  Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey....
• I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.
  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary.
  I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!...