Related:

• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows.
  Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.
  Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....