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• When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved.
  Why limit yourself?" I told them. -- Emo Philip...
• When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself.
• I saw this old woman digging for food through a garbage can.
  I don't know about you folks. I have a lot of love for old women going through garbage cans....
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -- Emo Philip
• This guy comes over to my house and says, "I want to read your gas meter.
  I said, "Whatever happened to the classics?" -- Emo Philip...
• The highway cop said, "Walk a straight line." I said
  Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves....
• In school I was never the class clown, but more of the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended .
  .. Once the teacher said, "Emo, what's five-nineteenths divided by four-fifteenths?...
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. -- Emo Philip
• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence.
  .. sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo Philip...