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• New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude.
  I said I'd like a card. He said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York....
• I left for college. Dad said, "I'm going to miss you.
  I said, "Well, now that I broke the sight off your rifle....
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -- Emo Philip
• My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
  -- Emo Philip...
• I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor.
  The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillip...
• When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved.
  Why limit yourself?" I told them. -- Emo Philip...
• Chloe: [seeing Ross enter] Hey, it's the dinosaur guy.
  [runs over to Ross] Hi, Ross. Ross: Oh, hi Chloe....
• The highway cop said, "Walk a straight line." I said
  Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves....
• In school I was never the class clown, but more of the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended .
  .. Once the teacher said, "Emo, what's five-nineteenths divided by four-fifteenths?...