Related:

• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there.
  And I'm like: How did my mother know that? -- Wendy Liebma...
• In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good. -- Wendy Liebma
• I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebma
• I'm scared of sex now. You have to be. You can get something terminal, like a kid.
  -- Wendy Liebma...
• Homer: Woo hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her!
  Marge: [pause] She's nice. Homer: But...? Marge: I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years....
• I think the reason my parents didn't like me is I was not a good-looking kid.
  My whole family was embarrassed, they didn't want me to be seen ....
• Homer: Listen here: my name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not.
  Now I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo- jumbo!...
• I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
  -- George Carli...
• Man #1: Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime? Tatum
  Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly....