Related:

• RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS A girl phoned me the other day and said .
  ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over....
• I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks.
  I tell ya' I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?...
• 100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat.
  Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in....
• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments....
• cars and driving --- For a while I didn't have a car.
  .. I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running....
• Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.
  Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing....
• This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two -- black eye
  a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk....
• I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No - I hate myself NOW ......
• A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
  As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest....