This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva
"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll
have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
begin life anew - start over from this point".
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the
man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up",
replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for
undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the
man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've
ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied,
"Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!"