My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There
was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
for a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it)... gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars