RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He
said....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he pulled
through.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I
don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. Next Tuesday is when I jump.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and
said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He
said....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he pulled
through.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I
don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. Next Tuesday is when I jump.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and
said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Related:
- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.... - Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!
looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.... - A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the
bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here.... - Federal Aviation Administration,
Washington, D.C.
Gentleme
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday.... - Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
Gentleme
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday.... - MY DOG "Sex")
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls it 'Rover' or 'Fifi' or some-
thing.
I called mine 'Sex.' Well, 'Sex' is a very embarrassing name.... - While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
the bills doing medical transcription work.
I came across a book today called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered.... - The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out.
Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.... - Here are my categories, with examples (his):
ENGLISH
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out....
