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    10 Commandments

    God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have
    Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

    And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"

    And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

    "Can you give us an example?"

    "Thou shalt not kill."

    "Not kill? We're not interested."

    So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

    And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
    steal."

    "Not steal? We're not interested."

    He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

    The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet
    thy
    neighbor's wife."

    "Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

    He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

    "Commandments? How much are they?"

    "They're free."

    "Good then, we'll take 10!"



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    Dark In Here

    A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9
    year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and
    shuts
    the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
    closet
    with the little boy.

    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man replies, "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "My dad's outside."
    Man: "Ok, how much?"
    Boy: "$25"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's
    lover
    are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
    Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"
    Boy: "$75"
    Man: "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
    go
    outside and toss the ball back and forth."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
    Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy: "$100"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that,
    that
    is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
    church
    and
    make you confess."

    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
    confession
    booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

    The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"




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    Disbelief

    A man was walking on the edge of a canyon

    and suddenly he slipped and was felling down.

    In the last second he could grasp branch of a little

    and weak plant. But soon he realized that the plant

    won't endure his wait for long. So he looked up

    and screamed:





    "Anybody there???"

    "I am." Said Somebody



    "Who are you?" said the man.

    The voice said: "I am the God"



    The man said: "Oh Lord! Please save me; I'm falling"

    "Do you trust me?" Said the Lord.

    "Yes!!" Said the man



    "Release that branch"

    The man remain silent for while and then screamed:

    "Isn't anybody else out there??????"


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    Enternally Yours




    On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a

    fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly

    Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.



    While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in

    Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I

    don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,"

    and he leaves.



    The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months.

    While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get

    married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect

    of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together

    FOREVER?"



    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

    bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."



    Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't

    work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"



    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.



    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.



    "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest

    up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a

    lawyer?"


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    Fifth Grade Assignment To Describe God

    Fifth Grade Assignment
    Wouldn't this be great if it was taught in every school.

    A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look
    At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways
    To communicate ideas about God.

    Here are some of the results:

    God is like.
    BAYER ASPIRIN
    He works miracles.

    God is like.
    A FORD
    He's got a better idea..

    God is like.
    COKE
    He's the real thing.

    God is like.
    HALLMARK CARDS
    He cares enough to send His very best.

    God is like.
    TIDE
    He gets the stains out others leave behind. ..

    God is like.
    GENERAL ELECTRIC
    He brings good things to life.

    God is like.
    WAL-MART
    He has everything.

    God is like.
    ALKA-SELTZER
    Try Him, you'll like Him

    God is like.
    SCOTCH TAPE
    You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

    God is like..
    DELTA
    He's ready when you are.

    God is like.
    ALLSTATE
    You're in good hands with Him.

    God is like.
    VO-5 Hair Spray, He holds through all kinds of weather

    God is like.
    DIAL SOAP
    Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

    God is like .
    The U.S. POST OFFICE
    Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from
    His appointed destination.

    God is like.
    Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America

    God is like
    Maxwell House .... .
    Good to the very last drop

    God is like.
    B o u n t y . . . .
    He is the quicker picker upper. . Can handle the tough jobs. ..
    And He won't fall apart on you

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    God Fate Devil

    There was a young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time. when he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or any expert who could answer his 3 questions. Finally, his parents were able to find a Muslim scholar.


    Young man: Who are you? Can you answer my questions?



    Scholar: I am one of Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala )'s slaves and insha-Allah (God willing), I will be able to answer your questions.



    Young man : Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my questions.



    Scholar: I will try my best, with the help of Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala ). Young Man: I have 3 questions:



    1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.



    2. What is takdir (fate)?



    3. If shaitan (Devil) was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to hell that also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all, since Shaitan (Devil) and the hell were created from fire.

    Did God not think of it this far?



    Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man's face very hard.



    Young Man (feeling pain): Why do you get angry at me?



    Scholar: I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.



    Young Man: I really don't understand.



    Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?



    Young Man: Of course, I felt the pain.



    Scholar: So do you believe that pain exists?



    Young Man: Yes.



    Scholar: Show me the shape of the pain!



    Young Man: I cannot.



    Scholar: That is my first answer. All of us feel God's existence without being able to see His shape.



    Scholar: Last night, did you dream that you will be slapped by me?



    Young Man: No.



    Scholar: Did you ever think that you will get a slap from me, today?



    Young Man: No.



    Scholar: That is takdir (fate).



    Scholar: My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?



    Young Man: It is created from skin.



    Scholar: How about your face, what is it created from?



    Young Man: Skin.



    Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?



    Young Man: In pain.



    Scholar: Even though Shaitan (Devil) and also the hell were created from the fire, if Allah wants, insha-Allah (God willing), the hell will become a very painful place for Shaitan (Devil).



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    God Is Watching

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
    for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
    The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is
    watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
    large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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    Islam Miracles

    Bismillah-Hir-Rehman-Er-Rahim
     
    Allah Showed Billons of miricle daily to human since the human are created but humans are blind to see them but some times Allah display miricles openly That a blind and even a non muslim relise them some of such mericles are given below. For These mericles I just say that they are just mericles of God WHo is the super power.
     
     
    Miracles Of Almighty Allah

    Our anchor is the Quran, our Holy Book and the abundant knowledge and wisdom on life, science, nature, etc within it. If you wish to see a REAL miracle Read the Quran.

    You are about to witness a miracle of Allah. Please look carefully.  

    RUKU PICTURE--- (Act of Bowing to Allah)

           This is a   recent Miracle discovered in the forest near Sydney (Australia). This tree is bowed in a posture of Muslim's prayer. Moreover, the tree is bowed directly to the direction of Kaa'ba at Mecca (the Holy Mosque in Saudi Arabia). Closer sight shows Turban on head and even the shape of the hands touching the knees. Also Scientists noticed that there is not a sign of any artificial shaping of the tree. ALLAH-U-AKBAR!
     

    This picture below was taken this morning near the
    Safaniya beach in the eastern province. Aramco
    security & industrial security force are debating
    as to whether to issue a warring close the beach or
    do nothing and assist in man power control
    investigation resulted that there are more than
    3500 for this kind of human-animal in the tanajib
    area. It is 25 years since last time it was seen in
    the tanajib area.

    KALMA PICTURE-----

    The branches clearly say in Arabic that - there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad (P.B.U.H.)is the Messenger of Allah. This is said to be a scene on a piece of cultivated farmland in Germany. Many Germans have been said to have embraced Islam upon seeing this miraculous sight. The German government has put steel fences around that part of the farm to prevent people from visiting and witnessing this miraculous site.
    SUBJECT : From Quran Surat Ar-Rahman Ayah 37 and the Hubble Telescope via NASA See the attached picture file, the RED ROSE NEBULA, see what Quran said at Surah 55 (Ar-Rahman), Ayah 37!We see it now in the years 1999/2000! and Quran mentioned it almost 1400 years ago. The picture is taken by the NASA Hubble Space Telescope of the "Cat's Eye Nebula." It is an exploding star 3,000 lightyears away. They should have called it the "Oily Red Rose Nebula." As the Quran states in Ar-Rahman, "When the sky is torn apart, so it was (like) a red rose, like ointment." Quran[Surah55:Ayah37]

    THE FISH TESTIFIES FOR THE PROPHETS

    The story of fish began when Mr. George Wehbi, a Christian lebanese was practising his fish hobby, in Dakar,(the Capital of West Africa). He caught many fish. When he went home his wife saw among them a strange fish about 50 cms in length, with some Arabic writing on it. he took it to Sheikh al-zein, who read clearly what was written in a natural way, that could not be done by a human being, but rather a Godly creation which the fish was born with. He read "God's servant" on its belly and "Muhammad" near its head, and "His Messenger" on its tail.

    Mosque Still Stands Still after an Earthquake.

    A Mosque still stands after an earthquake in Turkey. Even though all the buildings beside it have been destroyed. This earthquake took place in the western Turkish town of Golcuk, 60 miles from Istanbul, in August 19, 1999.

    Kalma written in Lungs

    This picture shows us
    that LA ILAHA ILLALLAH 
    MUHAMMAD RASOOL 
    ALLAH     is written in our lungs.

    In 19 June 1999 Mr L. Storey from London, England attended a Transmission Meditation workshop led by Benjamin Crème in London. The following day he discovered a stone with Arabic writing on it, on a pile of clothes in his bedroom. It took him a while find someone to read it for him, when he did he was amazed to hear it read: "I bear witness there is only one God, and I bear witness Mohammed was his Prophet."
     

    It is a honey comb found by a  
    bee keeper.

    		 >>>>>>>

    The name of allah is formed by the clouds as seen below.

    ALLAH has always shown us Miracles but we always ignore them, but now it's time we get awake or else we will loose every thing. I hope it will strengthen our faith.

     

    Plz send these to As many Muslims as u can and u can also send them non muslim to display the speriority of our religion. There is no limit of person to send these pics

     

    From A Muslim


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    Jesus Plays Golf

    An old man, Jesus and Moses were all playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee, takes his swing and plunk! The ball landed right in the water drift. The two men groan when all of a sudden Moses raises his hands high in the air and the water parts and he walks through the separation, takes his swing and makes the hole on the second shot. The other two men applaud as Jesus steps up to the tee. Taking his swing, the ball plunks into the water ahead. Moses and the old mans groaning halt though when Jesus walks on top of the water to just above the ball. Taking his swing bellow the water surface he hits the hole on the second swing.

    as the other two men applaud the old man steps up to the tee and takes his swing, but just as the ball is about to land in the water a large fish jumps up and swallows the ball, then just before the fish is about to dive back into the water, a mighty eagle swoops down and grabs the fish soaring off into the sky. Suddenly a lightening bolt flashes through the sky
    coming so close to the eagle, it drops the fish, the fish lands about four foot away from
    the hole. as the fish hits the green the ball pops out of it's mouth landing in the hole making a hole in one.

    Just then Jesus spins around, hands on his hips and yells, dad! If your going to show off, we aren't going to play golf with you any more!!


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    Kissing A Nun

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
    stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.

    He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
    you."

    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
    and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
    just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
    ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
    to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I 'm
    Catholic!"

    "OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
    Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
    party."

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    New Priest


    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
    speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
    replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
    glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
    take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
    beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
    to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the
    following note on his door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7)The Father, Son, snd Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
    and Spook.

    8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9)When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
    was stoned off his ass.

    10)We do not refer to the cross as the big T!

    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
    eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."

    12)The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."

    13)The reccomended grace before a mealis not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for
    the grub, yeah God."

    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a
    peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




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    Pope And Sikhs

    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to

    leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So

    the

    Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the

    Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won,

    the Sikhs would leave.

    The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged

    man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one

    additional condition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither

    side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

    The day of the great debate came. Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat

    opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and

    showed

    three fingers. Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger. The

    Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Harbinder pointed to

    the

    ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

    Harbinder pulled out an apple.

    The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs

    can stay."

    An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what

    had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent

    the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that

    there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my

    finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by

    pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I

    pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.

    He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for

    everything. What could I do?"

    Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What

    happened?", they asked. "Well," said Harbinder, "First he said to me that

    the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him to f *@ k off and

    not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be

    cleared of Sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here."

    "Yes, and then???", asked the crowd.

    "I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out

    mine!!! And then he said that we could stay.

    --



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    Searching For The Father

    Jesus decides to go make a turn in the paradise in order to find Joseph, his father, whom he hasn't seen since his crucifixion. Jesus goes from cloud to cloud when suddenly he sees a little old man sitting quietly and carving a piece of wood. Jesus approaches the old man and tells him: - Hello, this is pretty what you do, was it your job to carve wood on the earth? - Yes, I was a carpenter - Ah... and did you have children? - Yes, I had a son without even fertilizing a woman. My son had an extraordinary destiny and he is still very known on earth. By hearing these words Jesus has tears in his eyes. he puts his hand on the shoulder of the little old man and tells him with emotion: - Dad! And little old man answers with a great joy: - Pinocchio!!

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    Sister Logical Sister Mathematical




    There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister
    Mathematical (SM)
    and
    the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is
    getting
    dark and they are walking down a dark road, still far
    away from the
    convent.



    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
    for the past
    thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he
    wants.



    SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us.



    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
    minutes at the most.
    What
    can we do?



    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
    faster.



    SM: It's not working.



    SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only
    logical thing.
    He
    started to walk faster too.



    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
    us in one minute.



    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go
    that way and
    I'll go
    this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
    worried what has
    happened
    to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.



    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me
    what happened!



    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't
    follow us both,
    so he
    followed me.



    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?



    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
    as fast as I
    could
    and he started to run as fast as he could.



    SM: And?



    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.



    SM: What did you do?



    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
    up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his
    pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress
    up can run faster
    than
    a man with his pants down....

    (And those of you who thought it would be dirty,
    pray for your
    souls)






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    The Meaning Of The S Word


    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Buddism: Shit happens because of desire.
    Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
    Confusianism: Confusius says: "Shit happens."
    Islam: If shit happens, it's because Allah willed it.
    Catholism: If shit hsppens, it's because you deserve it.
    Protestantism: Shit happens because we're being punished.
    Hinduism: This shit happened before.
    Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
    Christian Science: There is no shit.
    Exhistenitalism: Shit happens & then you die.
    New Agers: You needed to have this shit in your life.
    Learn the lesson it has to teach.
    Now visualize it away.
    Quadrinity Process: Shit happens, re-cycle it.
    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!


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    The Temperature Of Heaven And Hell

    The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is the Bible: Isiah 30:26 reads, "Moreover the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sin shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as we do from the sun and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the earth does from the sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the moon is a ten-thousandth fo the light we receive from the sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on heaven will heat it to the point lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation. In other words, Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth - 300K. This gives H as 798 K (525 degrees Celcius).
    The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6 C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8: "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be below the boiling point.

    We have, then, temperature of Heaven 525 C. Temperature of Hell less than 445 C. Therefore, heaven is hotter than Hell.


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    We Are The Honorable Women Of Islam

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    We don't sell our bodies for people to sell their products;
    You won't find us advertising for stuff like new trucks.
    We don't dress up on the streets as if were some sort of merchandise,
    Keep your dirty hands to yourself, or, with Allah, you will pay the price.

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    Oh you men, keep your eyes to your self; we're not products on display,
    Throw your pickup lines away; we don't wanna hear what you have to say.
    We're not like other women; they sleep all around town,
    And to that despicable level, we will never come down. {Insha'Allah, Ameen Ya rub}

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    Yes, we wear the hijab; its our badge of honor from Al-Mu'eez.
    We don't dress like other women; we are free from their immodest disease.
    We don't sell out and put our selves on billboards,
    We have dignity, and from Allah, we will have our rewards. {Insha'Allah, Ameen Ya rub}

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    You won't find us in parties, getting drunk and disgraced,
    What a shame! Women like that have had their honor erased.
    We don't dress like other women; we're not giving every man a cheap thrill,
    We don't dress like the prostitutes that are out just chasing the dollar bill.

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    Don't come to us looking for some dirty one night stand!
    You better turn away from us, and get yourself a different plan.
    We aren't messing around; we're busy raising up our nation,
    That's right, were busy taking Islam to the next generation.

    We are the honorable women of Islam!
    We are the ones who raise the ummah and strive to make it great,
    If we didn't do our part, then for the ummah, what would be its fate?
    From babies to leaders, we are the ones who make them what they are.
    We are the honorable women of Islam, without us this ummah won't go far!

    May Allah Safe Guard Our Imaan Insha'Allah And Guide us on the Right Path, Always, Insha'Allah w Ameen Ya Rub .


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    Why God Never Received A PhD


    1. He had only one major publication.

    2. It was in Hebrew.

    3. It had no references.

    4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

    5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

    6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
    then?

    7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

    8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

    9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
    subjects.

    10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
    subjects.

    11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
    sample.

    12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

    13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

    14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

    15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed
    his tests.

    16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

    17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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