Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's
challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what
could have happened had they met

Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between
George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations
headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement
from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to
the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of
freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may
find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace
and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any
links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links
with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to
tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it
follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if
America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are
on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of
Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis?
Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of
any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your
stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons
inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called
weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any
such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent
weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've
tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there
any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now
take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200%
with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not
passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with
UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require
him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all
Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found,
or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there
is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to
revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and
work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer
to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of
disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a
Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica
Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.