Related:

• Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline ** If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2....
• Hello. Incontinence hotline..can you hold please?
• You've reached the tag thief hotline, to steal, press 1
• Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1.
  For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so *we* certainly can't help you....
• It is a fairly good sign that you are obsessive-compulsive when you don't celebrate Ash Wednesday by receiving ashes because you don't want to get your forehead dirty.
• Bart: [watching Flanders] An ax. He's got an ax! I'll save you, Lisa!
  [tries to walk on his leg, falls back] Uh, I'll save you by calling the police....
• Please press firmly. You are making 1,000,000 copies.
• Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.
  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number....
• You may be redneck... if the Elvis Hotline limits you to 1 call per day.