** Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline **
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want
- just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press next.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press
- no one will answer.
If you suffer from panic attacks, push every button you can find.
If you are sane, please hold on - we have the rest of humanity on the
other line and they desparately want to ask you a few questions.