Related:

• You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week.
  ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up....
• When I was growing up, my mom wanted me to become a priest, which I think is a tough occupation.
  Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you all the highlights of theirs?...
• You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week .
  .. I told you. My baby beat me up ... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up....
• I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad.
  I'd say yeah? When? -- Bill Hick...
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• My wife--God bless her--was in labor for thirty-two hours.
  And I was faithful to her the entire time. -- Jonathan Katz...
• Breast feeding is popular now. It wasn't when I was growing up.
  In high school, my mom caught me with an inflatable sex doll....
• When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
  I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
• My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love.
  That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel. -- Jonathan Katz...