Related:

• Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on disclipinary charges.
  Wait, that's not good news at all....
• Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
  Professor "Why can't they go today?" "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive....
• Good news, everyone." -Professor "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
  Bender "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw....
• COONDOG MEMORY (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) Now
  his dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot....
• Last time I felt this good was 9AM - about 12 years ago.
• We're going to find out tonight who the oldest lady in the audience is.
  And we have a marvelous present for her. When we find the oldest lady, we're going to give her ....
• Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news.
• For instance, several years ago we tracked down a twelve-year-old girl who was going to have an abortion so that we could talk her out of it.
  Talking a woman out of having an abortion is not news....
• In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $
  20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years....