Related:

• You know that the day is not off to a good start when someone tells you that your unimportance is only matched by your truly great insignificance.
• You know it's going to be a bad day when: your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
• You know you're in trouble when... 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any....
• AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.
  Rely on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble....
• It's not me I'm worried about... It's your mother..
  . Pining away her twilight years..." "It's a terrible thing when a mother spends her old age in a pine tree....
• Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.
  -- Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, "Radio Ba...
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• You may be redneck... if your wife really admires your mother's tattoos.
• Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team
  he said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her right cheek....