Related:

• Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell....
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president.
  Then somehow I get myself elected president. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'.
  But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that....