Related:

• Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.
  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
  That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick....