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• Dial-a-Prayer hung up on me. -- Jackie Verno
• My wife doesn't give me any trouble anymore. She died.
  I had her cremated. I mixed in a little marijuana and smoked her....
• When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
  -- Jackie Verno...
• The meek shall inherit the Earth. They won't have the nerve to refuse it. -- Jackie Verno
• We were so poor we used to use a substitute for margarine .
  .. In school I took algebra, history, and overcoats ....
• I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison.
  Leela "You really are too picky." -Bende...
• I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut.
  I just didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot, and nobody liked spending a week with me....
• Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
  "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the unbelieving dean....
• I have never been able to understand why it is that just because I am unintelligible nobody can understand me.
  -- Milton Maye...