Related:

• My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• Last week I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age.
  She locked me in the cellar ... My wife's an earth sign....
• I was five years old before I realized there was no such thing as ALPO baby food.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I once asked my father if things were bad for him during the Depression.
  He said the first six months were bad, then he got used to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Every time I get into an elevator the operator says the same thing
  Basement?" No respect. When I was a kid we played hide-and-seek....
• I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"?
  I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife....
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
  One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...