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• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
  One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I once asked my father if things were bad for him during the Depression.
  He said the first six months were bad, then he got used to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
  I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
• Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried.
  His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life....
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.
  She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on....
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....