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• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"?
  I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife....
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Every time I get into an elevator the operator says the same thing
  Basement?" No respect. When I was a kid we played hide-and-seek....
• Bart: The Flanders are a bunch of geeks, man. Home
  The Flandereses are not geeks! -- OK, Rod and Todd are, and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low- key hostility -- but we've gotta give this thing a chance!...
• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....