Related:

• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
  One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• Last week I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age.
  She locked me in the cellar ... My wife's an earth sign....
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
  When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
  -- Henny Youngma...
• I once asked my father if things were bad for him during the Depression.
  He said the first six months were bad, then he got used to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
  I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
• My cat wasn't broke, but I had him fixed anyway.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
  -- Excerpt from insurance form....