Related:

• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"?
  I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife....
• If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
• Hello everyone. You know, Hallowe'en is a very strange holiday.
  Personally, I don't understand it. Mm mm... Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils....
• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• You may already be a loser. -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
• I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?
  I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?" What a country! -- Yakov Smirnoff...
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....