Related:

• When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved.
  Why limit yourself?" I told them. -- Emo Philip...
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. -- Emo Philip
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -- Emo Philip
• I saw this old woman digging for food through a garbage can.
  I don't know about you folks. I have a lot of love for old women going through garbage cans....
• New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude.
  I said I'd like a card. He said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York....
• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence.
  .. sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo Philip...
• My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
  -- Emo Philip...
• I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
  The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it....
• This guy comes over to my house and says, "I want to read your gas meter.
  I said, "Whatever happened to the classics?" -- Emo Philip...