Related:

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  -- [Imitation] Steven Wrigh...
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident.
  I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wrigh...
• Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.
  I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex....
• I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. -- Steven Wrigh...
• I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- S. Wrigh
• I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.
  I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake....
• I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore.
  I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own. -- [Imitation] Steven Wrigh...
• I took a baby shower. -- Steven Wrigh
• I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class.
  .. I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox machine. -- Steven Wrigh...