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• Anybody got a cigarette? Thanks very much, sir--I left mine in the machine. -- London Lee
• The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.
  C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress....
• Some guy came running in the other night and said, "Somebody stole my car!
  I said, "Did you see him?" He said, "No, but I got his license plate." -- Bill Barne...
• When I walked into the supermarket the manager got a grocery cart for me.
  I said, "Why do you always give me a cart with a squeaky wheel?...
• I don't need your word, I've got your short hairs!
• I got a ticket the other day...I pleaded insanity. The judge asked me why, and I asked him, 'would any sane person park in the passing lane?
  ' I asked, 'Judge, nice day, isn't it?' He said yes....
• One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.
  ..I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?...
• The bus came by, I got on, that's when it all began.
• He got the upside, I got the downside.