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• I went into the grocery store today. I said, "Give me a dollar's worth of potatoes.
  He said, "We don't slice 'em." I said, "Give me fifty cents' worth of Swiss cheese....
• A habitual slot-machine gambler, also a drunk, staggered into the Automat.
  He walked up to the sandwich section and deposited some nickels....
• LARGE MAN: Who's that then? CART DRIVER: (Grudgingly) I dunno, Must be a king.
  LARGE MAN: Why? CART DRIVER: He hasn't got shit all over him....
• One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be heard.
  My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be....
• The street preacher looked so baffled When I asked him why he dressed With forty pounds of headlines Stapled to his chest.
  But he cursed me when I proved to him I said, "Not even you can hide....
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.
  One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing....
• I was in the store the other day and a salesperson came up to me and said, "Can I help you?
  I said, "Yea, give me what I need." She said, "I don't know what you need" I said, "You started it....
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours....