I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep,

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• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep;
  the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter...
• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
  The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was...
• I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
  Stephen...
• I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.
  "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane...
• I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. -- Stephen...
• Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -
  Stephen...
• I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read,
  so I got flip-ups. -- Steven...
• My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it,
  but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched...
• 24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that." -
  Stephen...