16> Since name "U2" is taken, manager suggests "USuck."
15> Your esoteric blend of polka and speed metal was bad enough,
but signing David Lee Roth was career suicide.
14> You weren't even nominated for the "Most Likely to Never Win
a Grammy" award.
13> Your particular category, "Sucky Bands That Sound Too Much
Like Pearl Jam", is terribly crowded again this year.
12> Your latest single, "Bugger the Guv'nor," lacks the edge
sought by today's sophisticated Top40 listener.
11> Your barbershop quartet consists of Bobcat Goldthwait,
Gilbert Gottfried, Pee Wee Herman, and Fran Drescher.
9> Even Vanilla Ice won't talk to you at big pre-Grammy bash.
8> When you get out of detox you realize you inadvertently sent
your last remaining demo to your Granny.
7> Band name? The Susan Lucci's.
6> Jerry's gone and the rest of the guys can't find their car
keys, let alone D-Minor.
5> You're still 1 chord short of the magic "3."
4> Your last album had more warning stickers on it than a carton
of Olestra cigarettes.
3> Your audiences tend to light torches instead of matches.
2> You refuse to let your art be corrupted by the music industry
-- and besides, you can't record 'til you agree on a name,
and even then, your folks won't let you tour.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy...
1> "Mmmbop"? Mmmnope.
This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com
