The Top 16 Signs You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert 16> Business Card Reads, "Sponsored By St.

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The Top 16 Signs You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert

16> Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit."

15> His degree, from the Wile E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an
*honorary* degree.

14> Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks
in their mouth.

13> His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.

12> Can't launch the ol' rocket in front of an audience, if you
know what I mean.

11> Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy
Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise."

10> The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose

9> Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when
the 1812 Overture begins.

8> Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message:
"Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."

7> He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.

6> Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer
Swilling Pigs Begins"

5> Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from

4> Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.

3> He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.

2> Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time
he lights a fuse.

and the Number 1 Sign You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert...

1> For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases
kids around.

This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
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