Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create
a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
14> The "Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts" from
worthless stock certificates.
13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese
millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been
appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in
John Denver Aeronautics.
8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his
stocks tanked.
7> Hold a "Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez"
meeting at your Miami apartment.
6> Tie yourself to Marv Albert's career.
5> Jump from the top of Janet Reno.
4> Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker.
3> Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands
on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye
revenge, if you know what I mean.
