There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.

    Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach...

    • The Royal Marines go fishing.
    • The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
    • The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.

    • The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then neglect to guard their landing strip.
    • The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
    • The Italians go sunbathing.
    • The Germans land and build a car factory.
    • The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
    • The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
    • The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
    • The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
    • The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
    • The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
    • The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
    • The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
    • The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
    • The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
    • The Spanish are late.
    • The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
    • Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
    • The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
    • The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
    • The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
    • The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
    • The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
    • The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
    • The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
    • The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
    • The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
    • The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
    • The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
    • The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
    • The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
    • The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
    • The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
    • The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
    • The Libyans blow up two UN planes.
    • The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
    • The Kentuckians open a KFC.
    • The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
    • The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
    • The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
    • The Swedes just want to screw.
    • The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
    • The Mattel Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
    • Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
    • The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
    • The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
    • H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
    • The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
    • The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
    • Washington State National Guard builds a monument to Bill Gates.
    • The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
    • Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
    • Geoge W. Bush doesn't know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Air Force to bomb Hawaii.

    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    He lived all alone,
    In a one bedroom house made of
    Plaster and stone.

    I had come down the chimney
    With presents to give,
    And to see just who
    In this home did live.

    I looked all about,
    A strange sight I did see,
    No tinsel, no presents,
    Not even a tree.

    No stocking by mantle,
    Just boots filled with sand,
    On the wall hung pictures
    Of far off distand lands.

    With medals and badges,
    Awards of all kins,
    A sober thought
    Came through my mind.

    For this house was different,
    It was dark and dreary,
    I found the home of a soldier,
    Once I could see clearly.

    The soldier lay sleeping,
    Silent, alone,
    Curled up on the floor
    In this one bedroom home.

    The face was so gentle,
    The room in such disorder,
    Not how I pictured
    A United States Soldier.

    Was this the hero
    Of whom I'd just read?
    Curled up on a poncho,
    The floor for a bed?

    I realized the families
    That I saw this night,
    Owed their lives to these soldiers
    Who were willing to fight.

    Soon round the world,
    The children would play,
    And grownups would celebrate
    A bright Christmas Day.

    They all enjoyed freedom
    Each month of the year,
    Because of the soldiers,
    Like the one lying here.

    I couldn't help wonder
    How many lay alone,
    On a cold Christmas Eve
    In a land far from home.

    The very thought
    Brought a tear to my eye,
    I dropped to my knees
    And started to cry.

    The soldier awakened
    And I heard a rough voice,
    "Santa don't cry,
    This life is my choice;

    I fight for freedom,
    I don't ask for more,
    My life is my God,
    My country, my Corps."

    The soldier rolled over
    And drifted to sleeps,
    I couldn't control it,
    I continued to weep.

    I kept watch for hours,
    So silent and still
    And we both shivered
    From the cold night's chill.

    I didn't want to leave
    On that cold, dark, night,
    This guardian of honor
    So willing to fight.

    Then the soldier rolled over,
    With a voice soft and pure,
    Whispered, "Carry on Santa,
    It's Christmas Day, all is secure."

    One look at my watch,
    and I knew he was right.
    "Merry Christmas my friend,
    And to all a good night."


    Here are some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

    • Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
      Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
    • Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
      Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
    • Problem: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
      Solution: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
      Solution: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 Propellers lack normal seepage."
    • Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
      Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
    • Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
      Solution: "Evidence removed."
    • Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
      Solution: "Live bugs on order."
    • Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
      Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
    • Problem: "IFF inoperative."
      Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
    • Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
      Solution: "That's what they're there for."
    • Problem: "Number three engine missing."
      Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

    Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.

    To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

    "YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

    The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

    "Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

    "YES SIR!!" replies the private.

    "Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

    "YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

    "Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

    They look to the Marine. "Private," the Marine Corps General commands.

    "YES SIR!!"

    "Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

    The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"

    The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"


    Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.

    Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

    Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.



    • "You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!"
    • "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??"
    • "Drop trou and give me 20!"
    • "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups?"
    • "Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each."
    • "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby."
    • "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking."
    • "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?"
    • "Drop and give me 69!"
    • "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'."
    • "You'll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it's your bra."
    • "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning."
    • "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap."
    • "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?"
    • "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."

    The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

    They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.

    The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

    The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

    Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

    When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles."

    The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

    The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

    "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"

    The general replied, "Back in Nam!"


    Falcon Codes - a numerical code used to indicate ones displeasure or to pass a rude comment over the radio or messages.

    801 You've got to be shitting me.
    802 Get off my f---ing back.
    803 Beats the shit out of me.
    804 What the f---.
    805 I hate this f---ing place.
    806 It's so f---ing bad, I can't believe it.
    807 This place sucks.
    808 F--- you very much.
    809 Lovely, simply f---ing lovely.
    810 That damn club.
    811 Beautiful, just f---ing beautiful.
    812 F---, shit, piss.
    813 Hair pie, fur burgers.
    814 I just got screwed.
    815 Big f---ing deal.
    816 Hang it in your ear.
    817 Get bent.
    818 DILLIGAS (Do I Look Like I Give A Shit?).
    819 I don't give a shit.
    820 Merry F---ing Christmas.
    821 F--- it, just f--- it.
    822 Hot shit.
    823 Bitching.
    824 Tell someone who gives a shit.
    825 Don't get f---ing wise.
    826 I don't give a f---.
    827 Pardon me, sir, you obviously mistook me for someone who gives a shit.
    828 I didn't design the f---ing thing. I just bought the f---ing thing.
    829 Your ass sucks wind.
    830 It won't f---ing work.
    831 Go pound sand up your ass.
    832 F--- off.
    833 Who called this f---ing meeting.
    834 FUBAR (F---ed Up Beyond All Repair).
    835 Unf---ing Believable.
    836 Adios mother f---er.
    837 F--- you.
    838 No shit.
    839 No f---ing shit.
    840 Go to hell.
    841 Ho, f---ing, ho.
    900 Cool it.
    902 I'm free this weekend.
    903 Take your time. I don't want to be stuck with this ass for lunch.
    904 Help me dump this mother.
    905 Let's ball at lunch.
    906 I'm free tonight.
    907 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
    908 Call me at home to come back to work.
    909 Call back later. My wife/husband is listening.
    910 Let's take off sick together.
    911 Meet you at the motel.
    912 Let's snag them for tonight.
    913 Can't do better for now. At least they'll be a fill in.
    914 Let's trade balling partners.
    915 Is he/she available?
    916 Muddy field. Couldn't play.
    917 SNEAK (Situation Normal All Fucked Up).
    918 Bullshit.
    919 This frigging thing.
    920 Tall boy day.
    921 Joint session.
    922 You pecker.
    923 Cocks---er.
    924 Plain obscene.
    925 Nice ass.
    926 If you can't take a joke, f--- ya.

    • MARINES: Heads will be shaved.
    • ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.
    • NAVY: No haircut standard.
    • AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

    • Wear a bike helmet to the test. Optional: Include knee and elbow pads.
    • Demand the tester wear a reflective road guard vest "for safety."
    • Bring a bike horn and attach it. Each time the tester adjusts the tension, honk the horn loudly and yell, "Get the hell out of the way, you idiot!"
    • Bring a bike bell and attach it. Ring it once every 15 seconds - "Just to maintain your rhythm."
    • Attach streamers to the hand grips.
    • Bring a playing card to the test. Demand that it be inserted in the spokes.
    • Pop a wheelie. Optional: Do an axle grind on the nearest table.
      Optional: Bunny hop the bike.
    • At the beginning of the test, peddle while standing. Tell the tester, "I'm going uphill now, you fool."
    • Halfway through the test, stop peddling and lower your head between the handle bars and stick your butt in the air. Explain to the tester, "I'm coasting downhill and about to take the lead in the Tour De France!!!"
    • Signal all turns.
    • Make motorcycle sounds. Be sure to shift gears when the tester changes the tension.
    • Bring a sack of newspapers. Deliver them.
    • Periodically extend your legs and arms, yelling, "Look ma, no hands!"
    • Bring a friend to ride on the handle bars. Optional: Attach a kiddy seat to the back. Bring your kid.
    • Bring a bike lock. Be sure to secure the bike when you leave.

    APO 001. U.S. ARMY

    AG 4110.99 (DEBCA)20 September 1944

    SUBJECT: Indoctrination for Return to U.S.

    TO: All Units.

    1. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his application for return.
    2. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination course:
      1. In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current practice they should not be approached with "How much?". A proper greeting is "Isn't it a lovely day?" or "Have you ever been to Chicago?". Then say "How much?".
      2. A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is proper to say "I'll be there shortly". DO NOT say "Blow it out your _____".
      3. A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantalopes, fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly "Please pass the butter". DO NOT say "Threw me the god damn grease".
      4. Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room called the "Bathroom", i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub, wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves to prepare the device for reuse).
      5. In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The host usually will provide suitable seats.
      6. Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper remark is "Excuse me". DO NOT say "It must be that lousy chow we've been getting".
      7. American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable.
      8. Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease.
      9. The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as "I believe you have made a mistake", or "I am afraid you are in error on that". DO NOT say "Brother, you're really f----d up". This is considered impolite.
      10. Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to one's host and say "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?". DO NOT say "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat".
      11. In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you can register and be shown to a room where you can sleep for the night. The present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the yard and taking over the premises will cease.
      12. Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social occasions. It is considered a bad reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances.
      13. In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required. In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under 80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him across the back of the head and say "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn thing".
      14. It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons. Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him.
      15. Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed. (Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments, should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to them. A casual remark such as "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually suffice. Under NO circumstances say "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in a get-up like that?".
      16. Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings for this purpose.
      17. Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available, and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth.
      18. Always tip your hat before striking a lady.
      19. Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cocked, when talking to civilians in the street.
      20. Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities. When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is particularly true in heavily populated areas.
      21. All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the uniform will be promptly dealt with.

    Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
    Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

    The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

    The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

    Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

    The lesson?

    Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

    Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

    -- From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization


    • Marines
      Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
    • Army
      One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
    • Navy
      3 hot meals.
    • Air Force
      Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Legasse. All you can eat.

    A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

    The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

    When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

    "Yes, sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

    "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

    "Me," said the soldier simply.


    • US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
      • I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my snicker "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.


    • US Army Oath of Enlistment
      • I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.


    • US Navy Oath of Enlistment
      • I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.


    • US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
      • I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... (grunt) cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.

        ___________________________________________ Thumb Print
        Date (Y/N)


    These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.

    • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    • A room temperature IQ.
    • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
    • A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
    • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
    • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
    • Bright as Alaska in December.
    • One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
    • Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
    • Fell out of the family tree.
    • Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
    • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
    • He is so dense, light bends around him.
    • If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
    • If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
    • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
    • If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
    • One neuron short of a synapse.
    • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge...he only gargled.
    • Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 minutes.
    • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
    • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

    An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb pack on his back, 15lb weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, and says "God, this is SHIT."

    An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45lb pack on his back weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is THE shit."

    An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and says with a grin,"God, I LOVE this shit!"

    An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified, kneels up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a swamp with a 65lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an airplane into the ocean, swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an alligator, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the enemy camp. He says with a passionate snarl, "God, gimmee Some MORE of this shit!"

    An Air Farce cadet sits in an easy chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted room and says,"The cable's out? What kind of shit is that?!?"


    Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

    On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

    On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...

    The Army is still looking for him.


    While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

    As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

    Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

    Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."


    The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

    "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

    "As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

    "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

    "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... "


    On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

    One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

    The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
    If you're a United Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock.
    If you're an Air Force flight, it's 1500.
    If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells.
    If you're an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
    If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon."