Related:

• You know how you tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
  -- Red Skelto...
• A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket.
  How old's your kid?" the conductor says, and the father says "He's four years old....
• Folks, buy Guzzler's gin, a nice smooth drink! With Guzzler's, you don't need a chaser.
  Nothing can catch you! -- Red Skelto...
• You think New York is bad? You ought to go to Detroit.
  You can go ten blocks and never leave the scene of the crime. -- Red Skelto...
• Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. -- Red Skelto
• Don't do blue. -- Red Skelto
• They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their parents will be happy to see them.
  I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan?...
• It takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are. -- Raymond A. Michel
• I read an article in a magazine: women 49 years old having their first child.
  Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years....