Related:

• I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....
• I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size
  and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there....
• I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles.
  It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle....
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
• If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...