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• You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests?
  Just a big bag of blood. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground.
  You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground....
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
  Then, on the way out, slam the door. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...