Related:

• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair....
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.
  Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushe
  because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory....
• If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...