Related:

• Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
  -- Johnny Carso...
• Never marry a girl named "Marie" who used to be known as "Murray." -- Johnny Carso
• When turkeys mate, they think of swans. -- Johnny Carso
• Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
  -- Johnny Carso...
• You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
  -- Al Capone [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]...
• Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. -- Johnny Carso
• MST3K: Funnier than Siskel. Thinner than Ebert.
• You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.