Related:

• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. -- Emo Philip
• This guy comes over to my house and says, "I want to read your gas meter.
  I said, "Whatever happened to the classics?" -- Emo Philip...
• I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack.
  These three asthmatics attacked me. I know ... I should've heard them all hiding. -- Emo Philip...
• New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude.
  I said I'd like a card. He said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York....
• No, I am not sending Morse code.
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -- Emo Philip
• I was sitting with a little girl of eight one afternoon.
  She looked up from her Hans Andersen and said, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage, Mr....
• I am NOT Paranoid! And why are you always watching me??
• In school I was never the class clown, but more of the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended .
  .. Once the teacher said, "Emo, what's five-nineteenths divided by four-fifteenths?...