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• I thought my mother was a bad cook, but at least her gravy used to move about. -- Tony Hancock
• To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother -- I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
• Ahh. You have a practiced hand Commander. Yes, I have my father to thank.
  Your father like to cook? No, he hated it. That's why he left the chore to me....
• I idolized my mother. I didn't realize she was a lousy cook until I went into the Army.
  -- Jackie Gayle...
• Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ... In our house, we have Alka-Seltzer on tap.
  If you cook like I do, the best thing I can tell you is not to be sensitive....
• Bart: Hello, my name's Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener.
  My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son?...
• Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen.
  Now, he's coming over for dinner. Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like....
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....
• My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty.
  "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large audience, either....