Related:

• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone....
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone....
• I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it....
• WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!...
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....