Related:

• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair....
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.
  Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship....
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...