Related:

• If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!
  ? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father....
• I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....
• If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
  That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look....
• One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.
  I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me....
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop.
  She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard....
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...