Related:

• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
  Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold....
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
  Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind"....
• Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?
  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway...
• I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...