Related:

• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.
  So sue me." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
  That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look....
• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
  And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy....
• I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.
  Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship....
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.
  That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?...
• SMILEY :^D "Great! I like it!
• Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.
  So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone....