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• You know what bugs me? People who smoke cigars in restaurants.
  That's why I always carry a water pistol filled with gasoline. -- Paul Provenza...
• You know you should be swimming when . . . You look at a statue of Justice and get disappointed that the scales aren't what and where you wanted them to be.
• He's the biggest lier in Washington," said Lincoln, referring to a then well-known lawyer.
  Reminds me of an old fisherman who got a reputation for stretching the truth....
• A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with themselves.
• The finest plans have always been spoiled by the littleness of those that should carry them out.
  Even emperors can't do it all by themselves. -- Bertolt Brecht, Mother Courage...
• Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations?
  Worry no more... Good children always obey. Quit acting so childish....
• Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)...
• Bart: Go, toothpaste, go! Move your pasty white butt.
  Lisa: Come on, shampoo! You can do it! [both swirl down the sink, shampoo first] Yay!...
• You know you are overweight when you get on a talking scales in the Mall and it says "One at a time, please.