Related:

• I said to my old husband, "I'm gonna take you out into the country for a picnic.
  Do you like the country?" He said, "Sure I do. When I was a little boy, I used to live in the country....
• I was walking down 126th Street on my way to work. Met a fella.
  He said, "Moms, I hate this, I really hate this, but, Moms, gimme some money!...
• They sent for me to come down to Washington in an airplane .
  .. Sure enough, no sooner I got on the plane they strapped me down....
• A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can. -- Moms Mabley
• They say you shouldn't say nothin' about the dead unless it's good.
  He's dead. Good. -- Moms Mabley...
• Ooh I was ugly, so ugly that when I was born the Doctor told my mother "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway".
• My best friend at home was a fellow named Sappo. He's my best friend in the world but he's ugly.
  When he was born the doctor slapped his mother. She used to have morning sickness after he was born....
• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.
  He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wrigh...
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....