Related:

• When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD.
  Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea....
• I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad.
  I'd say yeah? When? -- Bill Hick...
• Quick! Bring me a beaker of wine so that I may wet my mind and say something clever!
  -- Aristophanes (sp?)...
• The best advice I've ever received? How about the strangest?
  When I was thirteen, my father took me aside and told me that all a girl needed to know to get by in life was written on the top of a mayonnaise jar....
• You should never challenge "worse." Don't ever say, "Things couldn't get worse.
  Worse is rough ... I was down to my last two hundred dollars....
• Jessica: [walking up] You're _bad_, Bart Simpson. Ba
  [plaintive] No I'm not! I'm really -- Jessica: Yes you are....
• My youngest child is the funniest one of the group.
  I had just finished eating and my stomach was swollen from the food that went in it....
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...
• I never know what to get my father for his birthday.
  I gave him a hundred dollars and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier....