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• Don't do blue. -- Red Skelto
• I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise. -- Red Skelto
• In every grain of wheat there lies hidden the soul of a star. -- Arthur Mache
• It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.
  -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul Harry Coh...
• I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'. -- Red Skelto
• People in hell--where do they tell people to go? -- Red Skelto
• When you slithered out of your hole that day, and you spewed your venom all over this defenseless 12-year-old girl, you made this court's top 10 hit list.
  In a way, the best sentence this court could give would be no sentence at all, because if you left this courtroom I don't think you would be alive 10 minutes....
• A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school.
  He said, "I've been going for three months." I said, "How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?...